Walking Alone

My husband and I both came to the Lord in our adult lives, me first with him following about 6 years later. Over those 6 years I went through a range of emotions and struggles. In the beginning I was so hopeful and excited to share all I was learning about who Jesus was and what he had done for us. Surely he would see the truth and would soon see his own need for a Savior. How wonderful it would be when we were both on the same page and living as a Christian couple and family. Scott was wonderful in that he listened to all I said and never used words to belittle my faith. He supported me in what I was teaching the children and never stopped me from going to church.

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  As the months moved into years though, I began to lose hope. Years of sitting in church alone, watching all of the other women with their husbands was like someone rubbing salt in my heart wound. The kids each went to their Sunday school classes and I... I sat alone.

Would he ever bow his knee to Jesus? How long was I going to be in this desert of wanting and waiting for my husband? Would I always walk alone? Could I? What if he never saw his need... what if...

It wasn't long before I started to look at all of my friends and their husbands. I thought about how perfect their lives must be to have a husband leading their family. I started to get frustrated with Scott and his lack of interest. I stopped praying and it was at this point that hardness of heart and bitterness really took root in my heart. It makes me sad to think of it now.

Instead of continuing to pray for his salvation and living a quiet godly life with him I used cutting words to tell him all the things he should be doing, like so and so's husband did. Guess what... that didn't work. Ha! But you probably already knew this, right?   Sometimes I marvel that the Lord was even able to work around the mess I created, but He did. 

One day in church, during praise and worship I couldn't stop crying. It was as if  in the spirit I saw all the things I had been doing and saying to my husband. I saw the distance, the hurt and the offense.  I saw the wall that was being built and I saw myself pushing Scott further away.  

During meet and greet, a woman at my church who had been through marriage difficulties with her husband came up to me and hugged me. I lost it and sobbed out everything to her. She shared with me how she had prayed for her husband and she encouraged me to "see" my desire for Scott and then to trust that as much as I wanted it to come to pass, the Lord wanted it even more! I had to put my own expectations away and make his salvation of priority!! She encouraged me to commit the following verse to memory and to thank the Lord for his love and patience towards Scott.

"The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count

slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any

 should perish but that all should come to repentance."

2 Peter 3:9

 I grabbed that verse and prayed it in thanksgiving daily. I repented of my jealousy, my bitterness and my actions and asked the Lord to give me a new love for Scott and to renew my hope. I shared my heart with my husband and asked for his forgiveness for my behavior towards him and he graciously forgave me.

 It wasn't easy. There were days that I struggled and days that I failed (miserably) but I stopped seeing myself as walking alone because I wasn't alone. 

"... I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."

Hebrews 13:5

The Lord had been with me all along and it was me who chose to walk it alone.  Through His Word and my brokenness I began to experience growth in my own life and then in our marriage. I continued to pray for my husband and to pray for my attitude. I learned to let go of my expectations of a godly husband and spiritual leader as being the goal and instead focused on his real need of a Savior or he would spend eternity in hell!

Each week as I went to church I would "see" Scott with me. During praise and worship I would close my eyes and slip my right hand down to the side and cup it just a bit, like I was holding his hand. I saw my husband and I together worshipping. I held onto that and it wasn't long after that, that my husband started attending church and gave his life to Christ!!

Over the last few years I've had to let go of my expectations of what I thought he should or shouldn't be doing and trust that God is working in Scott's life and He is. Everyday.

Are we spiritually where other families are? No and that is o.kay, although it is always my desire for us to be growing and moving closer towards the Lord in our lives.  I try hard to remember something my former pastor's wife told me and that is to never see myself as the spiritual head of the home. That is the place that the Lord has given to Scott and I am called along side of him to help. I can take the lead if that is what Scott prefers (and right now he does).

If you are currently the only one in your marriage who is walking with the Lord I would like to encourage you to keep your eyes on Jesus and off of others. The grass really isn't greener at their house anyway and just because someone sits in a church pew it doesn't mean that their hearts are submitted.

Pray earnestly for your husband, for your marriage and for your desires of a godly marriage and family that would bring honor and glory to the Lord. 

 He cares.

He hears.

He perfects.


Sharing with Raising Arrows, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Women Living Well, EOA at Deep Roots at Home,